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Here’s a little peek into my history - I was not a popular child…I mean not even the nerds were friends with me. I get it. I grew up with siblings a lot older than I am and related more easily with adults. My family was poor and with parents old enough to be my grandparents we weren’t really up on modern fashion. I was a bookworm. I’d do just about anything to avoid groups and conversations because I was painfully shy and just wanted to escape into the safer world of fiction. None of these things lead to a large circle of friends for the average junior higher.
This all created major issues with rejection. I’ve kind of always assumed it. I hold back to try and avoid it and so don’t connect easily with people. This doesn’t mean that others are rejecting me, but since I’m the reserved one they don’t necessarily dive into a relationship. Sometimes I come across as arrogant or superior when really I’m just unsure. Or I try to share information or knowledge, sure that if I do so then people will accept and value me...but then seem to be a know-it-all. All of these are defense mechanisms that I default to but in turn are a self-fulfilling prophecy creating the very issue I was trying to avoid.
Over the past few years I’ve STARTED to learn to take these rejection issues to God. I have seen progress in how I act out my issues. I lash out less when I think I’m being pushed away and more often consider things from someone else’s perspective. I allow myself to be vulnerable and admit my failings. The only reason I can do any of these things is because I’ve gotten better at taking my hurting heart to God. I’m learning to let Him speak to that little girl who just wanted to be as part of the crowd.
“I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness.”Jeremiah 31:3 NASB
No matter what my heart, mind, and history tells me I am chosen. As I receive His love I work out my pain with Him and can let go of acting it out with others. Most of them might be just acting out their own hurts.
We can’t drum up wholeness on our own. Believe me, even though we can’t handle it, He can...and desperately wants to.
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